Just me, a wife to a wonderful husband, child of Christ, working mom to one active little boy, rambling about everyday life...

Monday, January 05, 2009

Can it be one year already?

No, not B's birthday. It was one year ago today that I went back to work. What a hormonal mess I was. The night before, I sat in B's room and held him and literally wept over him. No one was going to take good enough care of him. Ignore the fact that my MIL who absolutely adored (and still does) him was with him 2 days a week, my sister who is the mother of 4 was with him 2 days a week, and my mom was going to be with him one day a week. It didn't matter. I was the mommy.

I sobbed the moment I woke up that Monday morning. Sunday night I wrote 6 pages (yes front and back) of instructions for my MIL. Oh, the embarrassment when I look back. I am surprised she she didn't laugh in my face. I saved those 6 pages... and get a good chuckle out of it.

As I drove off to work that morning, I had the worst mom guilt. I thought, how could I leave my precious baby. He needs me. He will miss me. I need him, I will miss him. I cried all the way down the street, on the highway and composed myself in the parking lot. My heart ached for him. I had a friend that told me it would get better...but at the moment, I thought I would just die of sadness. I am telling you, I am thinking I was a bit hormonal. While things did get better, it was slow. After three months, I still was struggling and approached my boss about part time. I was told yes, it was option but it didn't go into effect until the summer.

My poor husband. All I wanted to do was spending every waking moment with the baby. I didn't want to go anywhere on the weekends without the baby, as I felt guilty for not spending time with him. Why is the mom guilt so bad?

Now a year later, I am part time (for the most part). We adjusted (for the most part). And my husband and I go out with the baby...and the mom guilt is not nearly as bad.

So, to my friend who went back to work today...and who told me, "it does get better". My prayers were with you today. I know how hard it is and you are a great mommy and you can do this.