Can it be one year already?

No, not B's birthday. It was one year ago today that I went back to work. What a hormonal mess I was. The night before, I sat in B's room and held him and literally wept over him. No one was going to take good enough care of him. Ignore the fact that my MIL who absolutely adored (and still does) him was with him 2 days a week, my sister who is the mother of 4 was with him 2 days a week, and my mom was going to be with him one day a week. It didn't matter. I was the mommy.

I sobbed the moment I woke up that Monday morning. Sunday night I wrote 6 pages (yes front and back) of instructions for my MIL. Oh, the embarrassment when I look back. I am surprised she she didn't laugh in my face. I saved those 6 pages... and get a good chuckle out of it.

As I drove off to work that morning, I had the worst mom guilt. I thought, how could I leave my precious baby. He needs me. He will miss me. I need him, I will miss him. I cried all the way down the street, on the highway and composed myself in the parking lot. My heart ached for him. I had a friend that told me it would get better...but at the moment, I thought I would just die of sadness. I am telling you, I am thinking I was a bit hormonal. While things did get better, it was slow. After three months, I still was struggling and approached my boss about part time. I was told yes, it was option but it didn't go into effect until the summer.

My poor husband. All I wanted to do was spending every waking moment with the baby. I didn't want to go anywhere on the weekends without the baby, as I felt guilty for not spending time with him. Why is the mom guilt so bad?

Now a year later, I am part time (for the most part). We adjusted (for the most part). And my husband and I go out with the baby...and the mom guilt is not nearly as bad.

So, to my friend who went back to work today...and who told me, "it does get better". My prayers were with you today. I know how hard it is and you are a great mommy and you can do this.

Am I really a momma?

Last week at this time, I was in the hospital. I can't believe it has been a week since our little guy has joined our family. What a week it has been too! How can it be that you have about 9 (10) months to prepare for a child, but you never really feel prepared? Why is it that you have about 632 emotions at once in your body and you have no control over them? Why are nights the hardest and most emotional? And why does hubs have to leave me and go back to work tomorrow?!
In all honesty, things are good. I think the questions above are somewhat normal...and if they are not, please don't say a word!
When people ask how we are doing, I say adjusting. I think that is the appropriate word. Things are not bad, things are not GREAT. By that I mean, I feel that I worry way too much. Is he getting enough to eat? Is he sleeping too much? Why hasn't he poo'd in 24 hours? Should I call the doctor AGAIN? All new momma worries.
But oh how I truly love the little guy. My heart is so much bigger with the love that I have for him.
I will share more later, but it is true, I am a momma to the most beautiful little boy EVER!

Penny for your thoughts...

I feel that we are in the final count downs before the Little Guy joins us. So many things are going through my head as the day keeps getting closer and closer. Will I bond instantly with him or will it take awhile? Will he be a fussy baby and if so will I be a good enough mom to handle it or will I cry along with him thinking I can't do this? Will I give hubs the attention that he needs so he knows that he still an important part of this family? Will I loose the baby weight fast or slow? Will I ever get 6 hours of sleep in or are those days behind me?

Do you see what my mind is going through? And this is just a quarter of it...I haven't touched on the work aspect...no wonder I can't sleep!

I am getting very anxious to meet the Little Guy. I daily tell him that I am so excited to see him and love on him. Every morning on my way to work he moves and we have a nice mother/son bonding moment. He will either love car rides with his mom or dread them because I will want to talk. My MIL said that when hubs was in highschool, that is the only time that she could have a true heart to heart with him (driving him to school). Now I know why hubs doesn't like to go on long car rides! Just kidding.

I have had two wonderful showers with family and friends and feel completely blessed that they all are sharing in our joy. It's amazing what a new baby can do to people...I think it is a little reminder of how awesome God really is and what a blessing He is given to us. Now it is up to us to nuture this blessing and bring him up the way God intended.

Holy Butter Toes!

While I am thoroughly enjoying being pregnant, there are a few things that I am trying to get used to. For instance, I was warned about PB, aka Placenta/Pregnancy Brain. I truly believe that this little life inside me is sucking my brain cells one by one and from what I hear, I don't get them back after delivery. For instance...a few nights ago I washed my hair with my conditioner. Mind you, my shampoo is in a bottle and my conditioner is in a tube. I could not for life of me figure out what my shampoo was not lathering. Either that same night or the next, I was warming up my dinner and looked in the microwave to see if my dinner was bubbling and to my surprise, the microwave was empty. Running at full power, but my dinner was no where to be seen. I then looked, and there sitting on TOP of the microwave was my dinner. Patiently waiting for it's turn. I could not stop laughing at myself. Hubs looked at me like I had gone to the nut house or else I should be on my way there.

Another fun thing that I deal with daily is my gracefulness or lack thereof. I daily will catch myself in mid stumble. I will bump into walls. But the other day takes the cake or maybe I should say bread. I went to lunch with my MIL at Sweet Tomatoes. I was getting some butter (reall butter, none of that fake stuff) and proceeding to drop the entire cup of softened room temperature butter on my toes! Do you know what room temp butter does when you drop it? It goes splat. I had butter all over my toe and my cute sandles. I broke out in a laughter until one gentleman thought he would be Mr Funny Guy and asked "are buttered toes the new trend?" I wanted to say "no but, buttered you-know-whats are". I just politely smiled and laughed. My MIL was a gem and helped my wipe the butter off my toes because leaning over these days for extended periods of time could case this pregnant lady to pass out.
Last night I went grocery shopping and decided it would be fun if I rammed my heel into an end cap. I didn't think it was that bad, until someone stopped me and said "Ma'am did you know your heel is bleeding?" I look back and there are little dots of blood on the aisle that I just walked down and sure enough blood was trickling down my foot onto my pink flip flop.

Just call me Graceful Butter Toes!

2 weeks and a baby boy

Bed rest. I never thought I would hear those words. But yes, that is what the doctor said. His exact words were moderated bed rest (meaning no, you don't have to be in the hospital, but you can get up to go to the bathroom and get up to eat. Other than that, get comfortable on the couch or in bed.
Now, let me first tell you that I was so consumed with fear about our little baby, that I could care less about bed rest. I was worried sick. Hubs was worried sick. But our worries were calmed when we saw our little guy on the ultrasound and he looked as happy as a clam inside his mommy's tummy. When the sonographer asked if we wanted to know what it was, I knew immediately is was a boy. Otherwise why would she ask?! We all know that a boy is clearly defined by his...well you know. And if she could see it already, then dad had something to be very proud of. So it was confirmed out little pumpkin is a BOY. And both mommy and daddy are elated.
Bed rest was not THAT bad. I admit the first week was rough. I also had been a little too optimistic that the doctor would release me after one week. I learned my lesson the hard way, being optimistic is good, but you still have to live in reality. The reality was that things were still not 100% and another week was in store for me. Let's just say, I had a hormonal break down the next morning when Hubs called and simply asked "How are you doing?". Why oh why did he have to utter that question? I was bawling and he thought he needed to come home right away, until I explained to him I didn't know what I was crying about. Then he chalked it up to a hormonal outburst and sent me loving text messages throughout the day (to check my sanity). My MIL brought over an article on how to deal with bedrest and there was one thing that stuck out and got me through this last week. I had to look at this as my new job. My new job was to grow a baby and that was it. So laying in bed for another week was just another week that I got to relax and grow a baby. I read that and I had a different outlook on things. So my spirits were a lot better.
Having 2 weeks off flew by. While I still thought about work, I also got to reflect on what matters the most. Faith. Hubs and I prayed non stop through all of this. I had people I probably don't know praying for me and our little guy. Family. My family stepped in and brought meals and my mom even came and picked me up on Friday and took me to her house to lay on the couch for a change of scenary. My husband was WONDERFUL. He took off the first two days and stayed with me. He went to the grocery store, did laundry, cleaned the house and boiled water (we were under a boil order in our town for the first two days of my bed rest). Friends. My friends called me as soon as they found out, offered prayers, support and just a listening ear. My dear friend Lori and Janna brought over a survival bag that included the most important of things: 3 magazines, a book, a movie, candy and popcorn. What more did a girl need? That is true friendship, when you have friends know that you still need to keep updated on the latest scrapbooking ideas, fashion, and celebrity gossip. As well as eat some low fat snacks! Thanks girls!
All in all the last 2 weeks weren't horrible. They were tollerable. I of course wouldn't want to do it again, but God knows why he put me there. So if he chooses to again, then I will take it in stride and be thankful.