Unsettled

I feel unsettled. No not unhappy...just unsettled. I feel that I need to be doing more. I need to contribute more. I feel a stirring in my soul. You know when you have a nagging feeling not quite sure what it is...that's what I have. I don't want to live my life just going through the motions. I want to have a purpose.

Sometimes, I am lazy. I admit. I can easily get lost watching a silly tv show, when I know there are things I should be doing.

Right now my life feels lazy. Hohum. I don't like that feeling. I think I needed this time of rest. But I am ready. I am ready for the next chapter in an adventure or comedy book, or even a romance book.

When I get too content and lazy, I will often pray for God to push me. Push me to a feeling of unsettled. I want to be challenged. I want to seek what HIS purpose and I want to be HIS purpose.

Do you ever feel unsettled, lazy, comfortable? What do you do?

I think I need a binkie.

Oh my ...why did I ever think this week was a the week to give up the binkie? B is almost 2, and he only got his binkie at bedtime. They stayed in his crib and sometimes he would sneak in there for a little binkie time, but other than that he was really pretty good.

Last Monday, I thought "we are done with the binkie". I don't think there is and easy way to do it, so I cut the tip off of his favorite one and left the other one in his bed.

Night #1: 45 minutes to go to sleep. He cried. I did not do too bad.

Night #2: at least 45 minutes to go to sleep. We left his door open and the light on in the hallway. He talked but really no crying. Me? Not too bad.

Night #3: The same as Night 1 and 2.

I would continue outlining each night, but it's the same. You might say, that's not bad...but here is the kicker. It's not GETTING him to go to sleep, it's keeping him asleep. For over a week now, he is waking up from anywhere between 10:30 and 2 and crying. Everyone says, let them cry it out. Okay after 2 hours...I have to go get him and put him in bed with us. I AM SPENT.

Last night, I about lost it. I am not getting a good nights sleep, hubs would like a normal wife back and B is so whiney in the mornings.

All my friends say, it gets better after 3 days. Well three days have gone and past and I need a binkie!

Love Dare

My friend Auntie D is doing the Love Dare. Hubs and I saw the movie on Friday night and I am going to join her in the Love Dare Challenge. For the Next 40 days, I am going to follow the instructions.

Day one was supposed to start today...however I have failed miserably. I am not being very patient today, nor very kind. I don't think I would want to hang out with me today. What is my deal? I need to stop focusing on my needs/wants and focus on hubs.

So I am going to carry Day 1 into tomorrow as well...I need a fresh start on a new slate.

Will you join me in the Love Dare?

Life Changes...

So today was a day that I would call a life change. Life changing moments will leave impacts on your life or on someone elses life, or sometimes on both lifes. While I know I am being very vague, I will elaborate more. Everything is still going through my head. Not bad things, just things.

I am at peace and this life change is good, very good.

A Day Full of Crop

I got to spend all day on Saturday scrapbooking. I started scrapbooking several years ago. Mostly I would just put together albums of our trips or of Payton...but of course now I focus on B. I had so much fun. A group of girls and I get together every couple of months (well we try to). I got several pages done and laughed A LOT. Hubs was such a good dad and took great care of B, and even installed a new ceiling fan as a suprise for me--thanks to Grammie for taking care of B for a bit. The best news is I get to scrapbook again in a month. Yippee! I am so behind on B's book, so I need to crop a lot more.
Today we are relaxing at home. Our human alarm clock didn't work this morning, so we missed out on church. I am fixing a friend of mine a freezer meal, as her daughter will be having surgery this week to get a pacemaker. Then back to work tomorrow.

Can it be one year already?

No, not B's birthday. It was one year ago today that I went back to work. What a hormonal mess I was. The night before, I sat in B's room and held him and literally wept over him. No one was going to take good enough care of him. Ignore the fact that my MIL who absolutely adored (and still does) him was with him 2 days a week, my sister who is the mother of 4 was with him 2 days a week, and my mom was going to be with him one day a week. It didn't matter. I was the mommy.

I sobbed the moment I woke up that Monday morning. Sunday night I wrote 6 pages (yes front and back) of instructions for my MIL. Oh, the embarrassment when I look back. I am surprised she she didn't laugh in my face. I saved those 6 pages... and get a good chuckle out of it.

As I drove off to work that morning, I had the worst mom guilt. I thought, how could I leave my precious baby. He needs me. He will miss me. I need him, I will miss him. I cried all the way down the street, on the highway and composed myself in the parking lot. My heart ached for him. I had a friend that told me it would get better...but at the moment, I thought I would just die of sadness. I am telling you, I am thinking I was a bit hormonal. While things did get better, it was slow. After three months, I still was struggling and approached my boss about part time. I was told yes, it was option but it didn't go into effect until the summer.

My poor husband. All I wanted to do was spending every waking moment with the baby. I didn't want to go anywhere on the weekends without the baby, as I felt guilty for not spending time with him. Why is the mom guilt so bad?

Now a year later, I am part time (for the most part). We adjusted (for the most part). And my husband and I go out with the baby...and the mom guilt is not nearly as bad.

So, to my friend who went back to work today...and who told me, "it does get better". My prayers were with you today. I know how hard it is and you are a great mommy and you can do this.